allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
