Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
