my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize