i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She even gives head with a lisp.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
