I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
