mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
