i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
