We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
