i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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