Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
