I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize