I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
