i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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