Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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