It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
