There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
