Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
