My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
4 words: hood of his car
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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