It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
