the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
