My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
