Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize