Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
