To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
