??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
