I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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