I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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