There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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