why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
