Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
