My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
