Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I just sharted jello shots
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
