I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
