Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
