I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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