She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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