i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
