I love black thongs
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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