I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
