I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
