i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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