It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
