Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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