"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
