her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
