**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
