Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
