I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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