I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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