I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
