you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
