I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
