I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
