My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
