On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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