So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
