the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
