shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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