I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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