I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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