I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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