i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
