She is in my trunk
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
